


Decipher the SIS

by vadess40



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: M/M, Player Character - Freeform, SWTOR, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-28 21:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10839369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vadess40/pseuds/vadess40
Summary: Crimsèn Hevilas and Theron Shan are spies. Crimsèn Spies for the Sith Empire in Sith Intelligence, and Theron Shan works for the SIS and the Galactic Republic. Officially, they are enemies,. They're supposed to be enemies, and exist to out-conspire the other. The Revanites changed those lines. The Revanites changed everything for both of them.This is their story.





	1. I Let You Leave... Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Contains m/m romance between male Imperial agent and Theron Shan. Not your cup of tea, then the back button is all yours .

  
_After Lana and Theron parted ways, Theron looked at Crimsèn and smiled bitterly. "What a ride, huh? If you'd told me when we met all the ups and downs we'd go through together, I'd have called you crazy," he says and then says lightly, "Maybe I called you crazy anyway. I don't remember anymore. Between all my family fun with Revan and the Grand Master, and then, well, you..."  
Crimsèn cuts in and asked gently, "Care to finish that thought?"  
  
Theron replied, "I won't lie: You've been one of the two real bright spots in all of this."  
  
"Two," Crimsèn asks, "What do you mean?"  
  
Theron said sadly, "Well, look, there isn't any easy way to say this, but... I mean, we both knew this would have to end eventually... The Republic exonerated me, so I'm back in the fold. And they gave me a new job A big one."  
  
Crimsèn replied then, "I guess I can see where this is leading..."  
  
Theron nods. He says sadly, "Soon as we rejoin the fleet and make the jump to light-speed, that's it. No more truce. You and I, we probably won't exchange another word ever again."  
  
Crimsèn replies, "Who needs words," before pulling Theron into his arms and kissing him in the darkness of Yavin IV's jungles. Then... they simply parted ways._  
  
***  
_Crimsèn's POV_  
Cold. I am shivering.  
  
  
My ship is so cold. It wasn't when I first arrived on Yavin IV many weeks ago. Why is it cold now? It was in the middle of a jungle. I shouldn't be shivering, never mind putting a thicker shirt under my jacket. I hate covering myself up. I worked hard in training to get the figure I have, why not show it off a little?  
  
I look at myself in the mirror. It causes me to pause: Who is this person looking back at me?  
  
A  tall, muscular Sith pureblood standing in his quarters on the Phantom Ship is looking back at me. His rifle is behind him, and out the door are reports and fresh orders from Lana Beniko, Sith Intelligence's new head. Time for duty and normal life, not personal reflection.  
  
Yet, don't know who I'm looking at. How can I not know who I am? Have I forgotten? How could I forget that I am Cipher 8? The outer appearance of a Sith hides the inner workings of one of the Sith Empire's elite infiltrators. I have no room for the whims of passion and power. Discipline, focus, and precision rule the Cipher Agent. Whether it is to the people of Rishi as the leader of the Howling Tempest Gang, or hiding in plain sight on Coruscant, I trace the line between truth and treachery. Love is used as a tool in order to get to gain information, get at the right target.  
  
That is why I am here cold and alone, and Theron Shan is back with the SIS. Yes, I am Cipher 8. Romance between myself and one of the enemy is a means to an end, not a blossoming love. Yes, I am Cipher 8 and Theron Shan was a nice thought at the end of the day.  
  
I still don't know who I am. I lean towards the mirror and focus on myself. "I couldn't just talk him into staying as he and I are both going our separate ways," I explain to my reflection in the mirror, “I am a Cipher and he's an SIS agent. There is no fling, and there is no romance.”  
  
A realization dawns: I don't really believe that. If I did I would not be looking at a stranger in the mirror. I would not feel the tingle on my lips where his lips were not even 30 minutes ago. I would not be cold on a warm ship thinking about how good and warm he felt in my arms on Rishi and Yavin. I would not be wishing I could be seeing his smile, hear his laughter, and preparing for another joke. Now he's gone. He told me the relationship had to end, and I agreed with him. We kissed and then parted ways.  
  
Yet even as I agreed with him and ended the relationship. I knew I was lying about my true feelings. Even as we spoke, a part of me wanted to say something very different. The part that is not Cipher 8, but the man. How are they different? The Cipher Agent loves so he can gather what he needs. The man loves because he does not want to be cold anymore.  
  
Crimsèn Hevilas is my name. I became an Imperial Agent when I was eighteen. It was the best course of action for me after I stripped myself of the force three years prior. No, I will not go into the details of my choice beyond I was escaping an abusive situation that would have resulted in my death if my sexual orientation was revealed.  
  
I am a Sith Pureblood who has done well as a Cipher Agent in spite of all odds. Check my service records and one will find I was able to ensure Havoc Squad's defection, our troops infiltration to areas of Coruscant like the Justicar territory, and the ruins of the Jedi Temple, and most recently I was able to stop the Revanite Threat.  
  
I look in the mirror and whisper words I am saying too late for them to mean anything: “I'm a terrible Sith Agent: I love you, Theron Shan. I left my heart open. I let you glimpse behind the agent to see the man. And I let you go…”  
  
No wonder I don't know who the mirror shows. Am I looking at Cipher 8 or am I looking at Crimsèn? “Cipher 8 and Crimsèn are the same, aren’t they? Cipher 8 is my title, but I am the one pulling the trigger. I am the one who let it become a different entity within me. And in that entity I let Theron walk away… How can I love him?!”  
  
I lean my forehead against the mirror and sob a little. “How could I fall in love with him? We are on opposite factions, and share different views. He knew that, I know that.”  
  
More lies. I breath in through my nostrils and speak real words for a change: “Faction differences do not sweep away our similarities. Sith Intelligence, SIS... We're both spies at the end of the day! And we are spies that broke away from expectations: His mother is the Grand Master of the Jedi Order! Whatever his reasons, he walked away from the life of a Jedi. Similarly, I walked away from the life of a trained Sith. We shirked familial expectations to follow our own path.”  
  
I sink to the ground as my façade collapses around me. I hold my hand to my heart- It is a miracle it is still there after years. Crimsèn Hevilas may have found his soulmate, but as Cipher 8 Crimsèn sent Theron Shan packing. And why? The Almighty Factions commanded the good Cipher to. Factions that are irrelevant right now, as our former Emperor sees the Republic and Empire as a giant feast for him to consume.  
  
This is stupid. Theron is gone now, and I doubt we will ever speak again. Because I was foolish. I cannot afford to wallow in it. I need to get back to work. Sith Intelligence needs me!  
  
Slowly, I get up. I head out of my room as thoughts ruminate out loud: “Why did I not fight for you, Theron? If only I had fought more, and showed you I did not care about factional divides. Maybe I should have tried to convince Master Shan and Darth Marr that now is not the time for war when we have too big of a common enemy? Why did I not tell Theron we could have stayed together and met on neutral worlds?”  
  
I need a drink. I rummage through the tiny fridge and grab some bloodwine. I yank off the cork and just start drinking. It was all I could do to numb the pain. Numb my desires...  
  
I was a coward back on Yavin IV, who would rather be the good Cipher 8 than the real Crimsèn Hevilas. Do I know who that is anymore? Do I know who I am anymore?  
  
I think I do. I remember back through our shared history: I think Theron was the first time I genuinely flirted with a man. No plotting, no deception, and no ulterior motives.  
  
He was cute and I flirted with him. It was refreshing. It was as if the first lock to the real man was unlocked. And then it was another flirt, and another. And then we spoke alone on Rishi. That conversation... For a brief moment I think the faction walls were opened and we were just two men. Although Theron liked to keep reminding us the walls were there. I wonder- Was he reminding me or reminding himself?  
  
Then we kissed. His lips were warm and firm, like him. Yet gentle and loose, like him. It felt good. I felt his heart beating against mine, and his hands on my back. And when we parted on Yavin... He said I was a bright spot during the conversation- a bright spot. And I let him go because Crimsèn Hevilas is the good Cipher 8 at the end of the day.  
  
I do not want to be the Cipher Agent anymore. I have done my time with Intelligence, and it robbed me of who I want the most. Therefore, I will rob it of what it wants the most: No more Cipher, no more locking my feelings away, no more deception behind a casual flirt.  
  
Unfortunately, I have to pretend to be a Cipher for a little bit longer. I'm still in Sith intelligence and stuck with Lana Beniko. Though it will not be forever. I will bide my time and wait until the right moment to put my Cipher title aside and allow myself to be a man. Perhaps at the end of such a path, I will find Theron? Until then...  
  
I turn to HK-51: "HK-51, set a course to Dromund Kaas. Sith Intelligence awaits rebuilding."


	2. Ziost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He says in a soft voice, “I… I thought we’d never meet again. It’s nice to be wrong.”
> 
> Theron smiled a little at that despite his injuries. He looked down and nodded in agreement: “Despite all the awfulness on Yavin IV, it did have its moments.”

**cover image:** [Crim and Theron on Ziost](http://pre15.deviantart.net/d17f/th/pre/i/2016/073/d/2/crimron_coverart__theron_s_anger_by_vadess40-d9gyc3h.png)

 

  
_The former Cipher 8 couldn’t help but look at his companion underneath the dome with some fondness. Deep fondness. He was with Theron Shan again, a man he still cared for. Deeply. It’s just unfortunate they’re meeting at the end of a world. Ziost is never a good place to meet people, truthfully._  
  
He says in a soft voice, “I… I thought we’d never meet again. It’s nice to be wrong.”  
  
Theron smiled a little at that despite his injuries. He looked down and nodded in agreement: “Despite all the awfulness on Yavin IV, it did have its moments.”  
  
So does Ziost, but like Yavin, moments on Ziost do not last. The Sith Emperor had other ideas than allowing for a pleasant reunion. Darth Vitiate has an entire planet to devour, and he did not let a couple of spies get in his way…  
  
***  
Ziost was a lovely planet. I was trained on Ziost. Oh yes, Intelligence has a training facility there. It was so if Kaas City was attacked, Intelligence would have another leg to stand on. And if Ziost was attacked, Intelligence's newest recruits could test their skills. It is a world with history long gone, and cities becoming more and more modern. Many of my people live there. So much so, any Sith would blend in.  
  
  
Now it is no more. I stare out the viewport at a barren world. It was once filled with life, and a great world in the Empire's arsenal. Then the Revanites awoke Vitiate at Ziost's expense. Now, it is nothing but ruins and desert.  
  
This is why I abandoned the Force. My people attack their own all in the name of the dark side! My biological parents abused me to the point of death, masters and students murder one another, and now Darth Vitiate destroys a planet in the name of self preservation. I watched a world die today because someone so powerful saw everything as a threat. How different he would have been if the darkside was a nonissue?  
  
It sickens me. The Force sickens me. Darth Vitiate, who was originally a pureblood, sickens me. The Sith Empire threw its lot in with a monster all those centuries ago. Why did it have to be at our expense- At Ziost's expense?!  
  
I rush to a refresher to relieve my stomach of its contents. I served the Sith Emperor too. I had to gather information for intelligence to better serve him. To serve him was to serve the Empire, right? And it was all deception. Sith deceive, like those in Intelligence deceive, and I helped ensure it would happen. All those people I interrogated, tortured, helped enslave, among other things were in order to help further his goal. The goal to annihilate every last living thing on Ziost.  
  
I leave my stall and try to clean my face. I glance in the mirror: Who am I? I am Crimsèn, yet I cannot shirk what I did under the guise of Cipher 8. All of us cannot shirk off how much we practically worshipped a man who betrayed us. Worst of all it killed Theron!  
  
Wait, actually, no it didn't. It killed many Republic people because their current Chancellor has her twi'lek head up her ***: Jedi, troopers, and others. Yet, Theron did not die. I let him go with the Sixth Line Jedi leader, as opposed to letting Lana take her into Imperial custody.  
  
Then he left. He got in a ship and escaped, along with Lana and I after the Emperor had a word with me. I hate him; when he spoke the words, I knew they were true. I tried to stop it all and I failed. I failed Ziost, and I failed our people. But Theron is still alive. The Emperor has not moved on to another world yet. There is still hope.  
  
I saw Theron again. I looked in his eyes, and he looked back. We shared some words- I could be wrong but I think he still has some feelings for me. In the months since Yavin IV, I took steps to pull out of Sith Intelligence. I tried to contact Theron, but stopped when I remembered he and I parted ways. He probably doesn't need me bothering him. Yet, late at night I dreamed. The dreams were in contrary to what my mind was telling: I was over him, and ready to move on.  
  
And then there he was. He was battered and bruised, but to me he was just as handsome and as much the agent as when I first met him. On Ziost, helping, and allowing me to flirt. Allowing me to watch him, and seemed relieved I chose what I did with the Sixth Line Jedi.  
  
That is why I must find a way to contact him. In spite of what my mind is telling me, I have to contact him. I was too close to losing him again. We were both too close to death to walk away from it! I have to write to him, reach out somehow.  
  
The next day I go to Republic archives, and find nothing. I go to Intelligence's records and find nothing. I decide to try digging deeper a week later (I searched in between documenting all that was left of Ziost). Thankfully I have free access to old HQ’s records and computers. I search for over a week- No Theron. I guess Lana Beniko couldn’t be bothered to keep track of one of the SIS’ top men? Nostalgia or incompetence? I am amazed she hasn't resigned as head of Intelligence.  
  
I leave and sneak to the space just a bit away from Ord Mantel. It is a long shot, but I am willing to risk getting captured. Republic space may lead to means I would never have to contact Theron.  
  
I smile as I get a lead into the SIS' databanks! I will contact you soon, Theron. Perhaps I could go to him? Perhaps comfort him for witnessing the death of a world, and the trouble he is in with Saresh? Perhaps he would let me kiss him again- Would he kiss my skin next? I say to HK-51 as I am about to message Theron, “Any messages for me, HK?”  
  
“Answer: There is a message from Darth Marr’s ship. It claims he is making leads on the location of the Sith Emperor, and we should be ready to leave at any moment. The second message for us to rendezvous at his destroyer immediately.”  
  
“Darth Marr?”  
  
“Answer: Yes, Master. Darth Marr has ordered us to rendezvous with his star destroyer immediately. He was found the Emperor.”  
  
I sigh. I need to find Theron, yet if I go now we could risk the Emperor making another world suffer Ziost's fate. “Very well, we will go to his ship.” I look at the readings about Theron. I whisper, “Don’t worry, Theron, I will come to you later. But the galaxy needs me now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> breaking chapter 1 up, because in word it ended up being 20 pages long... That's a lot for you all to read in one post lol
> 
> cover image: Crim and Theron on Ziost


	3. 5 Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s going to be a short trip. Might want to start briefing your friend here on what’s being going on the last 5 years. HK, make yourself useful. Check the stabilizers.”
> 
> “Five years? Five years… where are my people? Where is my family? Where is Theron?”

 

I am currently on the Gravestone. After being in carbonite for 5 years, I awaken to Lana Beniko. She saves me, and her friend Koth bring us to the Endless Swamp on Zakuul. Zakuul... The planetary home of Emperor Arcann, the man who imprisoned me five years ago. I went to Darth Marr's ship to investigate Valkorian, and it lands me in carbonite prison with the Sith Empire's old Emperor in my head under a new name.  
  
  
So much to take in, and so much to do. I should be resting, seeing a counselor, and/or trying to find my ship and droid. I should be trying to put my life back together. But I cannot do that as Arcann ripped it a part. I yawn as exhaustion washes over me. Exhaustion and remnants of hibernation sickness. Five years gone. Five years I could have spent winning back Theron Shan. Instead, I am here repairing an ancient ship on the off chance it will save us from Arcann and the Eternal fleet.  
  
I stumble around the area I'm working like a drunk: Where is that hydro spanner? Why is it dark out already? Does the endless swamp ever see the sun? I make a face. All this ship fixing with the occasional song playing. I'm too tired to try and repair another wire! I need to get rest. I need to search the ship. Search the ship. Search the ship.  
  
I finally find a room with a bed. It’s not made and it is a bit rough but it’ll do. Ever since getting out of the carbonite, I have been running around all day, all week, and all month. No time for me to rest after getting out of my 5-year nap. No time to really process what has happened and no time to even attempt to find those I love.  
  
Are any of them still alive? Is my brother still alive? My adopted parents? What about my grandparents? What about Theron?! Where are my crew, and what happened to intelligence? Does it exist anymore? Does anything I have ever worked for still stand, or am I grasping at things long been turned to dust? So many questions whip through my mind. I have to try to... sleep. I close my eyes and breath deeply. My thoughts slow, and my eyes begin to slide close. Then they open again- I shiver. I really shiver. It is so cold in here and I am so alone.  
  
Five years without any contact: No good conversation, no warmth, no love, and no touch. Lana is too focused on my rescue, and Koth is more focused on the ship than on being a new friend. Perhaps it's just as well. I will never feel anything beyond friendship for a woman, and Koth isn't Theron.   
  
Of course I am holding out on a very thin hope. Five years... I'm sure he met someone else and he is making them happy. Serves me right for letting him walk away!  
  
I shake my head- I need sleep. The Outlander is a mortal being. He needs his beauty sleep once in a while. More than that he needs to remember what it’s like to be out of hibernation. I take a few more breaths and let rest come to me. I toss and turn. I am still in my clothes- No wonder I am uncomfortable. The bed is cold but it does have blankets and a pillow. I remove my shirt, gloves and boots; I re-arrange the pillow and blankets; and I lay back down again.  
  
I do not fall asleep. Instead I glance down at my body- I have not really seen it in five years. I see it has new scars to go with the ones my biological parents gave me.Where did I get the new ones? Ziost? Battle with Revan? Fighting Zakuul's forces when they attacked Marr’s ship? Perhaps it was on Marr's ship- I did stumble a bit and got shot at during the battle. Perhaps some are from the medicines Lana and HK-55 have treated me with. HK-55… He reminds me so much of HK-51, and yet they are different enough that he is not HK-51. Where is my droid? What happened after I told him to flee into hyperspace?  
  
I lay down again and whisper out loud, “Theron…”  
  
I woke up out of carbonite to Lana Beniko. It would have been nice to get at least a hug from her. Words that it is all going to okay. It would have been nice for her to tell me someone I care for is alive and well. Instead all I get is her berating me for choosing to save the people of the city instead of allowing millions more to die- Haven't enough died in this conflict?  
  
Theron would have appreciated my choice I think. Hell, I can see one of my cousins nodding in approval for it. In fact, I can feel their arms around me when they see I am okay. Lana said it verbally, of course, but have you ever been locked away with no contact from anything and anyone? If not, you will have to trust me in the affirmation that after five years of total isolation touch goes much farther than words.  
  
I should have gone to Theron instead of running to Marr's side. Then we could have faced this terrible conflict together. Instead I obeyed orders like the good Cipher Agent, again, and now I do not even know if he is alive. I bet he would have hugged me when I was thawed out. He would have let me touch him for a moment, maybe even briefly kissed me.  
  
Since I cannot ask Lana or Koth to hug me, I rub my chest as my eyes finally close. They are too heavy from everything that has transpired, and I need sleep. I mutter as waking gives way to dreaming: “Theron... Theron... where are you? I’m sorry I didn’t come to you before going to Marr’s ship.”  
  
I look up in surprise to see him. "Theron? Theron?! You're alive... How?"  
  
"Come now, Crim, it takes more than an Eternal Fleet to kill me."  
  
I see him crawl into the bed next to me, watching me with his small smile. I reach over and rub his face and smile. “Theron...”  
  
Theron smiles back. “After five years, Sith intelligence is still hard at work.”  
  
I laugh. “Hardly working more like. Can’t you see I’m catching up on my beauty sleep?”  
  
He says in a low voice, “Is that a fact?" I nod and smile. He continues, "Allow me to ensure your dreams are good ones.”  
  
His face then leans down and kisses me. It was more passionate than the ones we exchanged on Rishi and Yavin. It felt good, I wanted more. I open my mouth more and deepen the kiss. I allow my tongue to taste him. His mouth was just like I remembered- He is so warm and so firm. I pull his body more against mine. The bed is not cold anymore. I want more- Should I dare ask?  
  
I did not need to as his lips left mine and trail down to my neck. He goes lower and lower until I look up in surprise when I hear him unfasten my pants. “Theron, are you sure? Aren't I the first man you have been with? We should not rush things...”  
  
“Shhhh… Don’t ruin it, sexy. First or not, you need this.”  
  
I then feel his mouth below my waistline and I cannot help but let out a moan. He took me in his mouth and moves at a fast tempo- His mouth is hot, and his tongue is smooth. I do not last long and climax with a start. The force of it makes me open my eyes. I sit up and look around: "Theron... Theron... Theron?!"   
  
No answer. I am alone. Theron is not here anymore, just cold and heartless reality. I look down and blush a little- my hand is still on my member. I frown at the warm stickiness all over my hands, chest, and the bed. I get up use part of my discarded to clothing to wash away my seed. I only look up from my task to hear giggling.  
  
“What?” Koth says, “What’s so funny?”  
  
Lana is the one giggling. “Oh nothing; it’s just I think our Outlander is having a good dream.”  
  
I look down and shake my head, hot tears begin sliding down my face. "I use to be," I answer quietly. This shuts them up, and I am left to my own sorrows.  
  
I lay down and just cry. No life, no Theron, no love, and no real friends. Just a galaxy Lana has decided I have to save. Eventually I do fall asleep and my dreams are mostly of the Emperor and his nice little spot in my head.  
  
Over all that the Emperor says to me I must cry out: Where are you Theron?

 

 


	4. Dear Crimsen...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theron Shan sits and writes a letter to a man he might never see again.

 

_Dear Crimsèn…_  
  
I cross that out. It sounds too cheesy, and too corny. He’ll see right through that kind of bantha c.r.a.p., won’t he? I try again:  
  
 _Crimsèn,  
I hope you read this letter some day. I miss you…  
_  
  
I scratch out that again, and reset my datapad. I can write nothing to Saresh, or some Sith Lord, but I cannot compose a simple letter to a friend. I look at the datapad, leaning back in my seat with crossed arms.  
  
No, Crimsèn isn’t really my friend. He’s more than that. I know we did not really have much of a romance, but there was something. I did feel something. It was short – it was too short. However, I know it was there.  
  
Unfortunately, he’s gone now. And I don’t mean gone, as in gone back to the Empire, but gone gone. He was captured by Arcann and simply disappeared! No commcall, no missions for the Empire, not even rumors from usual contacts!  
  
It’s strange. I know as a Cipher Agent, Crimsèn can easily make himself disappear. But as a spy myself, I know when someone is trying to disappear and when they have just disappeared. Crim falls under the latter, and I have no means of finding him. Yet. Lana has some idea of how to find him, but it’s been two years. I don’t know if they will come to fruition this time.  
 __  
Dear Crimsèn,  
Lana and I are trying to figure out a way to get you. I want you to know I never forgot about you, and I miss you.  
  
  
That’s not what I want to say, either. Can Theron Shan not write a simple note anymore?! I can write anyone in the galaxy, and tell them any story, but I cannot communicate the truth to Crimsèn. How did I get here? How is it my only… my only…  
  
I think I fell in love with Crimsèn. And he is the hardest man I can ever write a letter to. Do I have a right to write a letter? Should I even consider it? There is a strong possibility he’ll never read it.   
“No, Theron, come on. You have to write the letter, regardless of if Crimsèn reads it," I tell myself out loud.  
I take my data-pen and consider how to compose. How did we get here? I shouldn’t ask that as I initiated it. I’m the reason Crim is in the carbonite. It started back on Yavin.  
  
****  
When I got back on a ship to head back to Coruscant after defeating the Revanites, I could only think one thing: Wow, what a ride! I received a promotion within the SIS, and it felt great. If anyone told me what would happen the moment I started helping Colonel Darok with the attack on Korriban, I would have sent them to the medical wing. Yet, there I was and I did it by helping out alongside Imperials. Didn't think that would happen in my time either, but that is the galaxy for you! At first I was grateful it was over now and we can go back to our old lives.   
  
Well, sort of our old lives. Lana became the head of Sith intelligence and Crimsèn technically went back to being a Cipher, though I don’t think they brought Cipher Agents back. Who knows, I thought, maybe I could get Lana back for selling me out to Revan back on Rishi. I don't care if it got us more information, you do not turn your back on your allies! Shows that Sith are all the same with some differences.   
  
And that is where my mind landed on Crimsèn. He was a Sith who stood out. I think he liked standing out. Can only imagine what he is thinking remaining hidden. Crim is a red sith pureblood who uses a rifle instead of a saber, and a knife instead of the Force. That must have been hard to pull off. I only got out of the lightsaber wielding business because I have no force awareness. Was that the same for him or is there more to his story?

 

  
  
I wanted to know why he could walk with such a stride, and show off his strong and muscular body without batting an eyelash. Not to mention put much into his duties, and demanding Lana apologize for betraying me to the Revanites! *He was an enjoyable companion, and I liked kissing him.   
  
As I looked out the window on the Republic ship, my mind continued to drift back over the events on Rishi and Yavin IV. I have many fond memories: The laughing with Jakarro, even some of the chats with Lana, and feeling Crim's lips on mine.   
  
Leaving the relationship on Yavin IV was a mistake. I know that now, I can see it now. Back then, I was not entirely sure. At first, I thought I knew the best way to go. I think Crim did too. I am not sure. He's the ex-Cipher 8, after all. He has probably had relationships for short periods, had relationships to get information. I mean I only guess that he has   
  
But then as time went on, I run ins with some old friends. During those moments, I thought they would be easier if Crim was there to back me. Then of course was my meeting with dear old dad. That would have been easier if I had Crimsèn to talk about it with afterward. He was easy to talk to when I spoke with him about Satele on Rishi. In fact, after we kissed I forgot how my mother just referred to me as her agent. He felt good, and tasted good.   
  
If that’s true, why did I tell him we had to end it? I don't know, I suck at relationships. My last one prior to this ended because I found a note from her that we were done. It doesn't look better on my end that I read the note 3 months after she sent it. See what happens when you become a work-a-holic? I told myself it was because the truce is over. He is Imperial; I am Republic. We simply could not continue past Yavin IV. It was a fling; it was not meant to last. Case closed.  
  
Upon personal reflection, I realized my case was stupid. We are agents to our own factions. He and I know how to sneak around the galaxy. We could have just met on neutral worlds like Tatooine or Port Nowhere. No one at those places care who you’re with and our organizations would have been none the wiser. Heck, we could even have worked towards a more peaceful understanding between our own factions.  
  
Oh well, I suppose I will never know what could have happened. I decided I would try and make the most of things, as I doubted Crim would want to talk to me again. No one wants to waste time with someone who so easily dropped them at the first chance. Crimsèn, the first person I genuinely cared for in a long time, and I called off our relationship  
  
We are now back to our own intelligence agencies. If I saw him again, I probably won't recognize him.* Yes, this is for the best. I'm sure we will just look back on this as a nice memory but nothing more. Know what is strange? Crimsèn seemed sad when we last spoke, and I could tell! Couldn't say that about some of the last girlfriends and boyfriends I had. This makes me wonder if his words of understanding were a façade.  
  
They should not be a façade! This is what should happen, what has to happen. Though a part of me hopes I'm wrong and the façade is right.* I was proven wrong when I thought I had Crimsèn figured out when I first met him: A duplicity, evil monster with the darkside rolling around on the inside. Yet, I was wrong. Very wrong.*   
  
What made me think I had him all figured out then? I didn’t. And by luck, or the Force’s will, we ran into each other again. On Ziost, during the biggest crisis in the galaxy’s history. I went there after I sent the Sixth Line Jedi. I wanted them to find out for me what was going on down there before the Republic did anything rash. On the downside, I was in hot water with Saresh ever since! On the upside, I got to see Crimsèn again.  
  
***

  
__Theron sighs in frustration as he rushes under the dome. It was only a matter of time before Vitiate’s possessed army would arrive. In the small moment of before the storm, Theron sees his companion approach tentatively.__  
  
“I… I thought we’d never meet again. It’s nice to be wrong.” His companion looks at him with intense eyes.  
  
Theron smiled a little at that despite his injuries. He looked down and nodded in agreement: “Despite all the awfulness on Yavin IV, it did have its moments.”

  
  
***  
  
All I could think after Ziost was damn it, damn it, damn it! Administrative leave as Saresh tightened her hand more on things she has zero experience in. It was not good; in fact it was bad. Very bad. It became worse when unknown ships appeared over Coruscant out of nowhere. They were neither Hutt nor Empire, but claimed to be part of the Eternal Empire. How many empires does this galaxy need? Obviously the Hutt Empire, Infinite Empire, and Sith Empire weren’t enough.  
  
I remember the attack like it was yesterday. I was looking up information on the infamous Cipher 8. Yes, I discovered Crimsèn’s old Cipher title. Seeing an entire world destroyed makes you realize what is really important. An entire world got engulfed in flames. I needed to go be with someone. I wanted to be by his Crimsèn’s side. He’s the only ‘loved one’ I’ve got. Yes, I call him my loved one. While I was in hot water career-wise, I was not completely cut off from my contacts.   
  
Seeing him on Ziost re-awakened feelings I thought were dormant. His eyes, his determination, his confidence, and his muscles when they are in action… I missed all of that and in the middle of all the chaos I could not help but metaphorically hold onto him. Even if it was a brief minute under the dome. I certainly was not going to let Lana Beniko be my source of comfort- Bruises of bruises, never forget that. Best of all he let me take the leader of the 6th Line Jedi back to Tython! Not even Lana dared to question him really. She knew there was no way she’d win once his mind was made up. Makes me glad I never had to stare him down before.  
  
Though I feared I would never get to stare at him again. I got off with the Sixth Line Jedi and not even 30 minutes later, the entire planet became a dead ball of dust. I stood there, watching, in shock. I could barely breath at the sight of it. I thought I had just watched Crimsèn die! I sent the Sixth Line Jedi there, and it helped kill Crimsèn! Yet I couldn't be 100%, and that was my personal mission for the next month or so.  
  
Man is Crim good at covering his tracks-Glad his looks were not what won him the Cipher 8 title. However, I looked in other places using the many gifts the SIS let me keep. I was smiling when I saw that he made it! He didn’t die on Ziost. I’ll just send him a message.  
  
BOOM!  
 _BOOM!!_  
 ** _BOOM!!!!_**  
  
Before I knew it the capital of the Republic was in a full scale warzone again. It didn’t take us long to fall to Zakuul. Darth Marr was dead, among so many others in the Empire and the Republic. Within months we were all vassals to the Eternal Empire. Amidst the chaos I realized that the SIS was no more than Saresh’s puppet and my mother was not the warrior she once was. No one was and I needed to fight this new Empire on my own. So, I walked away and attempted to fight Zakuul on my own.  
  
I also travelled the galaxy to find him. Cipher 8 was missing. It was rumored he was killed along with Darth Marr. I couldn’t believe that. There was no proof he had lived or died! I could not give up if there was at least one small thread of hope I could find him.   
  
I cannot call my “mother,” as she’d never understand why I was searching for an imperial agent. *Not to mention she’s mostly fallen off the face of known space. To think I once mentioned to Crimsèn on Rishi she was better than many Jedi who simply vanish in the face of galactic turmoil.   
  
I was certainly not asking any of the clowns among the Republic and the SIS. I could not turn to a senate who clearly has allowed itself to be enslaved to two puppet masters, and the SIS would never help me find a Cipher agent. And if they did I wouldn’t let them, as I will not be the reason Crimsèn ends up in a Republic prison.  
  
That’s why I was sitting in a diner in more neutral space. Two and a half years of searching… and I found nothing. I could find neither a hint, rumor, nor record of Cipher 8; I did not want to give up. So, I gave up and called Lana. As the head of Sith Intelligence, she would know why an agent just disappeared from the galactic surface.   
  
She tries to be friendly: “Theron it is… good to see a friendly face.”   
  
I try to smile while I sip my stimcafe “Yeah, I wasn’t actually expecting to make this call but I have no choice.”  
  
Lana nods and eventually we both get something light. to eat. Our small talk begins- She's left Sith Intelligence, I've left the SIS; the Republic has a puppet for a Chancellor and the Empire has an Empress; she's gotten new armor, while I still have the same uniform. Interesting information. She's Sith though, and sees through surface conversation.  
She looks me in the eye and asks finally, “Theron, why did you call me here? Do you wish to meet my contact, or..."  
  
“Honestly? For one thing, and I wasn't kidding when I said I'm coming to you as a last resort: Where is Crimsèn Hevilas?”  
  
Lana raises an eyebrow. “The former Cipher 8? Depends; who is he to you?"  
  
“I’m not looking to hunt him down, Lana. I just need to know where he is. He… I care for him, alright? I almost lost him on Ziost; I cannot believe he would just disappear.”   
  
“He is not dead, but he is not exactly alive. He is in carbonite.”  
  
I widen my eyes. “Carbonite? Where? Who did this to him? I have to go rescue him!”  
  
She shakes her head. “According to sources I have, I believe he’s the ‘Outlander’ who killed Emperor Valkorian. This Emperor was Vitiate’s new corporeal form. Arcann locked Crimsèn away as one of his prize possessions in carbonite.”  
  
I widened my eyes at the knowledge. Crimsèn is the legendary ‘Outlander’ many have whispered about in my travels. The Outlander is supposedly the man who killed Emperor Valkorian, which Arcann dubbed an act of war even though they attacked along the edges of the Empire and Republic first, and many believe he lives in Zakuul’s underground.  
  
I could not help but smile a little: My sort of lover was alive, but he has no idea I’m searching for him. He has no idea what has been going on, never mind how much time has passed. Would he still remember me? Does he still remember me?*   
  
“We have to rescue him,” I said quietly  
  
She nods. *“However, we cannot do so recklessly. I know a couple of defectors within Zakuul’s ranks. They have been investigating for me. Theron, I know given our history I have no reason to ask you for any help but I must. You have abilities and methods I do not have.”  
  
I look at her in the eye. "Backstabbing me on Rishi, bullying me during Ziost, and now you insists you needs my help? So you can sell me to Zakuul to get information again?"  
  
“Yes. Yes I need your help, Theron. Theron, you’re not the only one who’s lost a loved one in all this. We've all lost everything and anything to the Eternal Empire," Lana talks in a very quiet voice, "But I sense that Crimsen, the Outlander that is growing into a legend that Zakuulan's fear, is the key to ending this tyranny and freeing the galaxy! We all need him, and getting him and ensuring his survival will be my top priority. I am glad to have your support..."  
  
I sigh and look out the window to the planet outside that has some skytrooper patrols scattered everywhere. Zakuul needs to be stopped, and I can't get to Crimsen by myself. “Looks like I have no choice on the matter," I answer finally, "I will help the best way I can on the one condition you find Crimsèn and make sure he gets out of there alive. I… I…” I look down as I cannot verbally say the words just yet. Instead I state, "I will work on getting contacts in Zakuul’s underground, as other unhappy people looking to get out from under Arcann's thumb."  
  
  
After we are done I went back to my ship, and that's where I am now currently: Sitting down and ready to compose a letter. The more I think back on the last two and a half years, I think I know what I want to write to him. He may never read it, but that’s not the point.   
  
It is one of those things I have to do, regardless of the outcome. The same can be said about working with Lana to overthrow Arcann: Regardless of if we win or lose, I have to try. And now I have to write this. I have to let him know that I care for him, and I will find him. I have to let him know that I will find him.  
  
I have to find him. Everything and everyone depends on finding him. The galaxy depends on finding him. I depend on finding him.

  
***  
 _Subject: For when you wake up._  
  
Dear Crimsèn,  
  
I've written this message twice now. Okay, more than twice. Kinda weird writing something that may never be read.   
Lana says you’re locked in carbonite, but alive. (Yeah, we’re in touch. Long story.) I like to think you’re having one crazy dream. And maybe I’m in it. But I don't want to presume.   
We never declared what this--you and me--is... was... Have I mentioned I'm bad at relationships? Another reason I'm a workaholic.  
I’m rambling. The point I’m trying to make is-whatever’s between us, I want you to know that I care about you. A lot. The whole galaxy's lost its mind. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're out there, and we’re putting together a plan to rescue you. I might not be there-we’ve all got our parts to play--but I haven't forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.  
  
With affection,  
Theron Shan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cover Image: Regrets, by jediserenity82 on DeviantArt
> 
> Link to image: http://jediserenity82.deviantart.com/art/Regrets-Theron-Shan-SWTOR-638912230  
> Link to author: jediserenity82.deviantart.com

**Author's Note:**

> I initially planned this to be a one shot with no plot, or story to continue it because I had no clue where Bioware was going with the story after Shadow of Revan. Thankfully they did take it somewhere, and my story was able to follow along . I hope you all enjoy.


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